Donald Trump: The Ride, a roller coaster inspired by the presidential candidate himself, will be the flagship attraction at the under-construction Dubai American Adventure theme park when it opens next year, according a news release from the park.
Get ready for the most absurd roller coaster ride of your life. Donald Trump: The Ride will redefine everything you thought you knew about roller coasters and sensory experiences in general. Strap in, hold on for your dear life and wonder what you’ve done to be put through this. Donald Trump: The Ride will make roller coasters great again.
“Our focus group participants were clear,” said Dubai American Adventure general manager Sam Ahmadi. “They wanted a ride that went against all the ‘boring and broken’ roller coasters in the world.”
Like the American presidential candidate, Donald Trump: The Ride will feature an erratic layout featuring hundreds of nonsensical directional changes. The steel roller coaster will stand 500 feet tall and will launch riders from 0-200 mph in less than three seconds. It will be the tallest and fastest roller coaster in the world.
“Physical well-being is no longer theme park goers’ top priority. Our soon-to-be guests want a wild, potentially fatal roller coaster experience.”
“After consulting with our designers, we knew the Donald Trump brand perfectly aligned with this game-changing roller coaster,” Ahmadi explained.
Ahmadi confirmed that, rather than waiting in line, guests wanting to ride will be required to scale a 40-foot wall surrounding the towering coaster. Each rider will be securely fastened into the ride with over-the-shoulder restraints, complete with miniature handles that are too small for riders with average-sized hands to grasp.
“We know this won’t be the most convenient ride experience, but we were committed to creating a realistic and immersive Trump experience,” said Ahmadi.
In addition, each rider will be given a complimentary toupee to wear during the ride.
“With the coaster’s high speed and desert conditions, we should probably give riders safety goggles. But we think the fake hair pieces will better resonate with our brave and possibly stupid thrill seekers.”
This is not the first overseas roller coaster to use an American icon’s namesake. Phantasialand’s “Michael Jackson Thrill Ride” has been thrilling and allegedly violating guests since it opened in 1996.
Donald Trump: The Ride is expected to give its inaugural ride at Dubai American Adventure in January 2017.
I look forward to being punched in the face by other riders and the angry ride operators.
Uhm…the election is over fellas. Time to hop on the train or get the hell out of here.
This didn’t even fool me.